Epistle from Cyprus VIII - 20th December 2006

My big toe and the ‘ians’
Cyprus has been invaded by a number of foreign tribes of what I will call ‘ians’. These are the blue eyed, light-haired and light skinned foreigners from the Balkan and former Soviet bloc countries, Russians, Georgians, Albanians, Rumanians and lots more. (Actually with that physical description I could be one of them.) They occupy the lowest positions in Cyprus working for wages far less than any Cypriot would even consider. They are also blamed every type of social problem on the island. The mere mention of the word ‘Rumanian’ in the coffee shop is enough to set the Cypriot heads nodding in disgust. This is a peculiar Cypriot action of a sharp nod of the head backwards when they disagree or disapprove of something. Once again my illusions were about to be shattered.
I was disturbed early one morning by the doorbell and on answering there was a couple of typical ‘ians’ standing there. I had no idea what language they spoke and as they spoke no English and as little Greek as I did so the communication was limited to signing. I eventually understood they were there to do some work on the pool and so I left them to it. They set to with a will and a jack-hammer so there was no possibility of sleep and they started to remove large sections of stonework and concrete from around the pool. I was a bit nervous as their reputation had gone before them but they were certainly hard working. Even so I decided to wait around and watch what they did. Mid morning there was a big hole next to the pool which was surrounded by large lumps of concrete and stone. At this point they started to fill the pool using a hosepipe and then they both disappeared. After 15 minutes of so I looked out to see the pool about to overflow and panicking over yet another large water bill I ran out to turn off the water. In my rush to save money I tripped over a large stone slab split my nail and burst the end of my large toe. The air was blue as I hopped back into the house.
Now the ‘ians’ returned and carried on working as though nothing had happened. While they continued working I continued to hop around the house looking for cotton wool and sticking plasters leaving a trail of blood across the tiled floors. It is amazing how far a little blood will spread across a tiled surface. The result was something out of a chainsaw horror movie.

As I remember it I used the word 'Ouch'

The ‘ians’ finished the job and I have to say they did a pretty good one.

Rumanian Telecomms
Since then I have met a group of Rumanian guys who are the exact opposite of their reputation. They are well educated, friendly and fun loving. They will always help out if they can. Another of my misconceptions has been shattered.
They have introduced me to yet another system of communication. When they want to ring home and confirm that they are fine and that everything at home is fine they do the following.
Ring home and allow the phone to ring twice. This means “I am OK, I will be sending money home as soon as my next pay check arrives and how are you and the kids?”.
Wait up to 30 minutes for a call which rings just once. This means “Good to hear from you the wife and children and all the relatives are fine and look forward to another extended conversation in 3 days time”. It is a simple and free to use communication system. If they do not receive the single ring back they know there is something to discuss so they phone home from here because phone charges here are less than back home and beside which no one at home has money to call anyway.

Useless tasks
While for the one millionth time cleaning the pool which I cannot use at the moment because it is too cold I pondered that there a number of tasks in life which are a complete waste of time. Brushing and raking leaves in Autumn for examples. I think a blog site should be dedicated to them.

A fat bloke hiding under a large hat sweeps the pool for the 1 millionth time

I will start the ball rolling with my suggestion for the number 1 useless task.
What is the point or ironing? You know that the moment you put something on it is going to crease. Why not save the time and put it on creased in the first place. I don’t care if it is creased or not. I certainly don’t look at other peoples clothes to see if they are creased. Does anybody actually care? Perhaps there is a business somewhere that insists all their staff have carefully ironed blouses and shirts.
OK I know the military do but for heavens sake that is the biggest waste of time of all. Does it matter when a soldier is doing whatever it is soldiers do?
“I am sorry son I can’t let you go into battle today because you do not have a crease in your pants.”
“Oh please sarge please let me go. I promise I will do them when I get back.”
“Sorry son my mind is set. None of my men go into battle without freshly pressed blousons and pants.”

Who invented ironing in the first place. Surely not a man. At least not a man who actually did any ironing. Possibly some military or management type who had a bunch of idle personnel at his disposal and had to think of something for them to do in order to fill their time.
“Come Smithers we can’t have the men stood idly by doing nothing. What can we do?” “Well Mr.Burns I have been toying with this new idea called ‘ironing’. It involves taking all your clothes laying them on a board and rubbing them all over with a hot iron full of steam.”
“Mmmm. Interesting. A complete waste of time and effort eh? I like the sound of it, Smithers.”

I hereby declare that for the rest of my sojourn in Cyprus I will not iron another item of clothing. I urge others to take of the banner (a creased one of course). Shake off the shackles of convention, the chains that tie you to the ironing board. Think or the hours you will save yourselves to do something more fulfilling and meaningful. Learn to skate. Take up karate. Spend time with your grandmother. Free yourselves.

Christmas in Cyprus
Traditionally the Cypriots do not celebrate Christmas. Their big religious festival is Easter. However they would easily allow a money making opportunity to pass by and so they have taken to Christmas with a will. The TV advertising and supermarkets are overflowing with Christmas hype. However they have still not quite got the hang of things.
I was asked to assist a couple of Rumanians friends with the ‘removal’ of a Christmas tree from a forestry area for some English people. All very naughty but real Christmas trees are at a premium here. However the tree had been selected by a Cypriot who thought he knew what a Christmas tree looked like and cut down by a Rumanian who did not care what one looked like. Bearing in mind that most people are more careful about selecting their Christmas tree than almost any other purchase they make over the holiday period. It has to be just right. The correct height and of course bushy. Cyprus is excellent for growing oranges, lemons, grapes, olives and a host of other goodies. It is not good for growing Christmas trees. As soon as I same the tree I knew that it had been sacrificed in vain. As we loaded it in the van I could picture the recipient shaking their heads.

A fine example of a Cypriot Christmas Tree

Two further trees died before it was decided
1. A Cypriot cannot select a Christmas tree.
2. A Rumanian will cut down anything you tell them if the money is right.
3. Buying an artificial tree was the best solution. (Failing then above the send a Brit. to carefully inspect the gardens in the neighbourhood and then send the Rumanians to do the rest. I plead not guilty m’lud.)

I like to kid myself that I am familiar with some unusual Christmas traditions. The Swedish “julbok”, the 13 Icelandic “Jolasveinar” and the Mexican “piñata”. I was not prepared for the following Cypriot “thing” I noticed when driving into Paphos. I am still not sure what it is even though I have asked around. At first I thought it was 6 pigs but when I stopped to photograph it I saw it was 6 bears. I am still none the wiser as I have never heard of the 6 Christmas bears or the 6 Christmas pigs.

Are they Christmas Bears or Christmas Pigs?

Christmas Dinner arrives Cyprus style

Cultural exchange
As part of my stay I here I have begun to introduce some new ideas to the locals. One of theSe is a Combined exeRcise in frUit pruning and wealth restribution. At hoMe this would usually involve apPle trees but I have fouNd that the local oranGe, tangerine and mandarin trees are an ideal substitute. My Rumanian friends have taken to this and have not just a natural talent but a positive flare for it. They think it is capital fun.

Politics
There is no escape even here in Cyprus. Just when you think you have found paradise. Sunday 17th December was the day of the local elections. Each town and village elects both the mukhtar (village president) and councillors. In Tremithousa there are 6 councillors. As with politics anywhere it is a murky business. The position of mukhtar is very powerful. He can decide where money is spent and which planning applications to allow. In this village the council agreed to purchase 2 cars for use by the villagers themselves. One of the vehicles has disappeared and rumour has it that it is in use by one of the mukhtar’s relatives. In another local village the mukhtar requested a personal payment of £5000 before a construction project could continue. The construction company passed the request to their sub-contractor who refused to pay as this was not the usual way of doing things in the EU(European Union). Actually I suspect it may be more common than we think in Mediterranean countries and as the EU grows it will become the de facto business standard.
The current mukhtar in Tremithousa just happens to have 4 of his first cousins as council members and he does not show the account details to the 2 independent councillors. In fact he reportedly does not show them to the government inspectors either.
So there has been a plan afoot to try and replace the current mukhtar and some of the council members. Otto who runs the coffee shop has been standing for the position of mukhtar. A group of others got together to put up a candidate to oppose the mukhtar. Now you would think that this would be easy and they would simply put forward the best candidate. That is not the way things are done in Cyprus. Here the person most likely to win an election is the person with the largest extended family so the best opposition candidate is simply the one with the largest family. Are you with it so far? Good.
However there is a joker card in the pack in Tremithousa. Despite the fact that there are several hundred ex-pats living in Termithousa only 36 have registered to vote. Now 36 ex-pat voters can be considered a very large extended family and so all the candidates have been courting the ex-pats who are eligible. However nothing is ever that simple. The current mukhtar has the list of voters and their addresses and he has been very reluctant to allow the list out of his control. Eventually the list was handed over so that all candidates can have the opportunity to canvass the voters. So now the ex-pats can be targeted as a group.Great.
Not quite.The voting list of English and other names has been phonetically translated into Greek so although they have the addresses no one knows their names. Even the people themselves do not recognize their own names. There was then the painstaking task of translating the Greek sounds back into an approximation of English names so that the voters can be canvassed. And you thought it was complicated at home.
The day of the vote arrived and suddenly what was the sleepy village centre becomes a hive of activity. Everyone is out in their Sunday best outfit. Even Alekos takes time out from his cemetery vigil and box of red wine to have a shave put on his best suit and totter down to the village hall to vote. The village has a carnival atmosphere. All the candidates greet the voters outside the village hall as they go in to vote.
Later in the evening as the election results are declared the church bells in the local villages start to ring out and fireworks let off. All is well except in the coffee shop which is all the fun of a wake. Otto has not been elected. Not to worry though as because of the unusual vote counting system he can combine his votes with another candidate George giving a grand total of 60 votes which gives George sufficient votes to be elected.
At the end of the day all that has been established is that the current mukhtar still has the largest extended family and Otto can count on most of the eligible ex-pats votes but will not get elected but that doesn’t matter because the votes are transferable to someone else who will get elected. Confused? I still am.

And finally

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year